A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
You Might Also Like
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.