I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?