imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage