me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.