NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
You Might Also Like
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Trying
This week’s mood.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.