*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.