[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.