Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
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Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
The game has officially changed 😎
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.