Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
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Well, my evening plans are ruined
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.