Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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You got this…
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like