Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.