I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.