My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush