Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Sing it!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?