ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.