Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
is this meant to deter me
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Customer is always right
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.