I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me My dog
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.