Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
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me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health