Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Based Erika
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it