Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
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My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
But wait…
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?