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Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.