Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.