Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Erm…
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!