“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
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At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Best spot.. 😅
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Worst Native American name ever.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans