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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
This hospital has everything
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.