fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake