[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.