I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
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rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.