Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
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if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Who did it better?
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
The struggle is real.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing