Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.