I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
You Might Also Like
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s