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Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Cake safety first. Always.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.