My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*