I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
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How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Same pineapple, same
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I’d love this…lol
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Life cycle of cat
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN