Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.