*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah