lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
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sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
😂 amazing answer
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Try and stop me.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.