I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
You Might Also Like
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
repaired
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.