[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.