Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
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there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother