Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
You Might Also Like
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
😏😏😏
As the Lord intended
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Velcrow
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?