just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
the three genders
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
men, we mow at sunrise.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese