When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
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[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Breaking news:
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
How about daylight saves us for once
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME