My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
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As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.