Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
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Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby