Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
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All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
asked my bf how work was today
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.