Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Battery falling down a hole
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
WHO DID THIS?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.