Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
buying dead houseplants to save time
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating