GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
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If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
#merica
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen