[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
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“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.